On May 23rd, 2010, Julio de Malaggar posted his first online dating profile to the well-known free online dating service, OkCupid. The contents, appearing beneath a staggeringly anachronistic photograph of the author with one leg elevated on a leather-backed chair, hands rested daintily upon velveteen knee, his perfectly Edwardian attire completed with a pleated cravat, read as follows [ed.’s note: all errors, grammatical and otherwise, are those of the author and are preserved for historical accuracy]:
Username: prettyladdiesmmm
Profile: I offer greetings to all my dandies and lascivious receptacles of love: your glistening concavities are welcoming to my manlihood. I see that you fawn lightly over the casually awarded pleasantries of your man-lovers, in this society that is our world in this day and age. It has been many years since I have experienced contiguity with lady-flesh; many many moons since I have encircled, nay ensorcelled, a woman’s bosom with my cubits. I have strong (irresistible!) desires to exchange abundant mouth-juices with your mouth juices in rituals of facial interchange. In my private chambers I regularly invoke the old bacchanalian rites that are available to the loins of this earth – oh you sweet feminines how you torment me with your dangling rondures – to lavish deserving satisfaction upon men by appearing before the mind’s eye as a sort of imago. My lady imagos are the most voluptuous this side of Venus, and I challenge any other man to upstage me in this regard. Rest assured, dear readeresses, that you are well attended to in the love-suanas of my mind’s bordellos.
Come to my bedside, my carnal pleasure-mates, and fall under the ridiculous intensity of my thrusting willpower. I will see you transported to the Heavenly plane of super-abundant sexiness, where you will orbit the lustful love-kernel that is my undeniable face.
When not inducing swooning in all the beautiful women who pass by me on the street as I engage in my swaggering daily constitutionals, I enjoy tennis, tea-drinking, croquet, commenting on matters of national political significance with my friend while we sit and drink Ouzo from slender-necked glasses in the courtyard behind my Mediterranean-style apartment building, reading the magazines, sailing internets, looking at pictures of my favourite women (all of them!), eating olives from small sticks that the woman at the department store hands me in a sultry coded gesture of wanton love-festing (if it is you reading this, I am personal love-making you tonight you coquettish marvel queen!), being a charming man to all the world, writing love advertisements in the OkCupids, telling you all about myself, my beautiful women, that are waiting for me like immaculate objects of hot festering desire.
You should contact me if: you are passion-quivering with sweat streaks of unbearable trembling deep-throaty bodily need. If you like good conversation and men who is intelligent and will listen to you, before and after sex. If you are hungry from mediocrity and want to spice up with a bit of meaty perfection. That’s me!
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